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Search term bonanza

May 29, 2008

I haven’t checked any on else’s, but I think this blog must get hits from the most amusing search terms in the world. I thought I’d pull out a few, which show an amusing mixture of fetishy fun and hilarious homophobia.

From today, we have “are dark jeans gay” as our only search engine hit. For whoever it is who searched: Yes. Yes they are. In fact, I was just shopping for them earlier today. (Nothing will ever replace my magic jeans, except maybe the replacement pair I’m coming close to breaking down and buying from the evil conglomerate, the only store that still sells them.)

What’s more, dark jeans are so gay that it’s not just wearing them that makes you fall in love with members of the same sex, but thinking about them alone will do it. And if you managed to type the words “dark jeans” into a search engine? Well dude, you must already be gay.

On May 27, I got a hit from the term “how to tell a gay in public.” I’m not quite sure what they were going for with that one, but here are a few clues. It was probably a straight (or “straight”) guy, because in my experience they’re the most likely to say “a gay” instead of “a gay person” without any trace of sarcasm.

Also, gay people actually looking for members of the “family” either know where to look in their area, or at the very least they know how to find a personals site. I mean really, how hard is it?

The pessimist in me sees this as a searcher hoping to learn how to spot a ‘mo so he can tell when he’s being checked out and dispense some “justice.” My more empathetic side sees a “straight” guy who doesn’t want to admit he’s gay, or maybe a “newbie” gay. This more agreeable hypothetical chap (MAHC) is just looking for some evidence that he’s not alone, which frankly is the entire point of this blog.

So if it was you searching, MAHC, don’t worry. You’re not alone. And you could totally take that other guy.

My absolute favorite search term that’s brought people here has to be “sneezing hard.” When I wrote my post on sneezing, it was totally off the cuff. Only later did it occur to me that I had basically posted a magnet for gay sneezing fetishists, something I’m reminded of daily thanks to that “sneezing” tag and WordPress’ lovely stats features.

I’ll be sure to put that tag on this post too, just to generate more traffic. If you feel cheated, just imagine me going for a vigorous eight rounds of “ka-choo!” like I do several times throughout the course of a normal day.

Contrary to what some might expect, I find that last one the most innocuous. (Actually, that’s probably exactly what they’d expect.) Because there’s nothing wrong with a sneezing fetish, even if I do think it’s kind of funny. Really – and this is no great secret – all sex is hilarious if you’re not into it.

For those straights of you in the audience who are wondering: Yes, you look just as weird to us as we do to you. (As long as you ignore all that “years of heteronormative socialization” nonsense.) And the boy and I do often wonder, “Wow, how on earth can straight couples relate to each other that way?” (get your mind out of the gutter!), or “How weird would it be to not have any idea how your partner’s body/brain chemistry worked?”

My honest guess? It doesn’t make any difference.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. doctorbeans permalink
    May 30, 2008 12:11 am

    your article which i found through tag surfer is really really funny and well written… ^_^ keep it up!

    yeah ive seen a lot of weird search terms on my blog as well like:
    – screen beans gym (this doesn’t even seem to make any sense)
    – hating parents (but i don’t hate mine)
    – beans “abdominal pain”
    – thin babies

    Nipple Cupcakes! ^_^
    Doctorbeans — Member of the Kelkian Army

    http://doctorbeans.wordpress.com
    http://theplanetcast.proboards106.com

  2. lightningspark permalink
    May 30, 2008 12:24 am

    i often wish/have wished/will wish that i had HALF A FREAKING clue how the body chemistry/mind of guys i date worked. but i agree with you (i know, be shocked, because that *never* happens, right? ;) )
    … it’s tough enough without even explaining who you like and why you like them.

    … and no one should have to.

  3. Shep permalink
    June 2, 2008 12:08 pm

    I like the look of the new style, although the black background doesn’t quite mesh with the “in Public” theme of the content. It’s pretty stealthy/ninja-y for Public! I do like the taglist on the side, though, which emphasizes: “sneezing stores” and “counting crows excuses” (it’s not my CD, my, uh, friend must have left it here”).

    The “how to tell a gay in public” in search isn’t even formed very well. I think he needs a “who’s” instead of an “a”, or possibly a “your phone number” before the “in”.

    It’s not particularly related, but it reminds me of someone in my, uh, _friend’s_ WoW guild. My friend wasn’t online for it, but one of our least swift members said:

    “OMG OMG OMG OMG :( :( :(”
    “no affence to anyone if u this way but there is a gay guy at my house right now :*(”

    If I had been online (on my friend’s account), I probably wouldn’t have been able to resist giving him advice in the form, “stay low, and stay still — their vision is based on movement” or “turn off all the lights and open the windows”. Just like, what? There’s a guy in your house. I assume he’s a guest of someone who lives there? I’m not sure how his orientation factors into it? Or did our guildie walk into his kitchen to find an unexplained, sassy drama major in dark jeans going through his fridge?

    I can’t even read what he wrote as insulting, but it’s so obviously rooted in pure, innocent ignorance. He was told homophobic comments weren’t tolerated in our guild (and obviously, he recognized they were homophobic, or he wouldn’t have needed to add the “no affence” disclaimed), but perhaps it would be better to let him express himself and see if he can’t be educated?

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